My Child Has a Name

I know I've been up and down and even sideways sometimes...  but I'm finally finding my balance and coming to a place of peace.

I thought a lot today about Hannah in 1 Samuel chapter one.  She was a woman whose womb was closed, even though her husband loved her.  In a state of anguish, she prayed in her heart that God might give her a son.  God heard her prayer and answered.  She dedicated her child to the Lord and said "I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him.  So now I give him to the Lord."

When I read those words, I was choked with emotion.  I hold so much hope in knowing that my God answers the prayers of childless mothers.  To see the Lord's timing in retrospect is a perfect gift of clarity.  We were never forgotten.  We just couldn't see the beauty of the path we were and are being led down.

I thank God for each (unknown to us) step we've taken on that path:

• for having known since before we were married that adoption would be an option for us
• for immediate family and friends who have first hand experience with fostering and adoption
• for having waited three years to start trying to have a baby (it's almost comical now how much money and effort we spent trying to avoid it!)
• for nearly four years of failed attempts to conceive and unsuccessful fertility treatments
• for exploratory surgery (hers) and multiple fertility analyses (his)
• for delays with our foster/adoption class and licensing
• for the month and a half spent waiting for a single placement call

If any of these steps had fallen out of order or if timing had been a little bit different... it could have cost us everything.  It's been difficult and painful, but I'm so glad I wasn't the one in control, calling the shots.  I would have screwed it all up.

I'm already a mother in my heart.  From the moment he called me Momma with his sweet little voice, I knew that he would hold a piece of my heart forever.

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I'm exerting every ounce of faith I have, believing that my God will answer the prayers of this childless mother.  Please, God!  You know what weighs heavy on my heart, the unanswered questions, unvoiced fears.  Your timing is perfect.  Your plan is better than I can dream of.  You hold the stars.  Your eye is on the sparrow.  You clothe the wildflowers.  You call your sheep by name.  I choose to trust you also with my heart, and with my child.